Am I being ultra sensitive

[susan h]

Susan

I am reminded of a contact to whom I sent a huge parcel of photocopied items - cost me about £10 to post it, never mind anything else (I had no printer at that time). She had nagged me daily for the stuff and I felt a bit mean because I felt pressured, lol.

I waited for her response and after a week I was concerned that she hadn't received the parcel so I emailed her:

"Has the parcel arrived safely?"

"Yes" she replied...and that was it!

OC

Some people really do beggar belief, don't they!!

Thankfully most people are polite, and grateful for help received. Most of us on these forums have proved our generosity to others by the time we give freely, and the effort we put into requests. I think we can all feel satisfied that we aren't selfish or unkind. I shall utilise my spare time to help those who also want to help themselves and are grateful for my time, nothing wrong with that, makes complete sense to me!

[Chrissie Smiff]

I'm finding it difficult to know how to reply Val. I know how generous you are at helping people (including me) with anything that you can. I also know how frustrating it can be when you get a curt request/response, though I have been lucky and only ever had one. But I also know that there are a few people who don't seem to realise the importance of good manners, probably because they have never been shown any, or surrounded by people with manners. I have never refused to give any information/photos etc though but taken their word that they were descendants. I do usually ask how they got the information of their connection and they have always been happy to tell me.
If you are unhappy about letting them see your e-mail address though, could you perhaps put the item on Photobucket and attach it to a reply on an Ancestry reply? I'm not sure whether the links work on there though, as they do on here?

[Guest]

thanks again its really odd but I just looked at Ancestry she does not even have her tree on there? that I can see

[greyingrey]

It does sound somewhat abrupt/curt to me, Val, but I'm wondering if they're perhaps not a British English native speaker (that's what first struck me...that it sounds almost like the English a lot of Germans would write....they don't use please or thank you so often...not meant to be rude..just different usage)or it may be someone who can't blather on for England like I can....but, if they are native English speakers, there's no excuse for not saying thank you

[Chrissie Smiff]

Perhaps she is a 'newcomer' to family history and doesn't understand the ins and outs yet? She may also be very young. You know what it's like when you first start and don't know your census from your certs Of course she must have used a credit card though, even if she just has a free 6 months membership.
p.s. Agree with Grey, she could be a foreigner and struggle with English?

[Guest]

you have a point there Grey I did have someone like that a while ago,and Chrissie yes she could be new or young not that it should excuse her , When I first started I got so excited if anybody found something for me I always thanked them, dont understand some people .
Shall have a little think.

[greyingrey]

"I would like" is a construction Germans very often use because there's a direct German translation which is used when you're being very polite & it includes the concept of please & being grateful etc. It might be interesting to ask if they're German....tell them you've got a friend who wants some tips for German research. If she's a non native speaker, she should come back & say "Oh no, but I'm French" etc & then you'll be able to judge it better

[greyingrey]

Just thinking that a native British English speaker would be more likely to say "I'd like" than "I would like"...but you never know

[julite]

Agree totally with Guy. People have taken 'things' from my Ancestry tree - sometimes with an acknowledgement, often without. I'm quite happy for this to happen, with whatever degree of manners shown - that's their problem - I hope whatever they've taken helps them. I benefitted tremendously from A using an item from B's cache - they had taken it from C, who had got it from the great grand-daughter of said item. Via these circuitous links, I was able to make contact with D -the great grand-daughter, thus finding a second cousin. I am also a great grand-daughter of the same couple, but had nothing other than census/bmd records. So thanks to A, via B and C - I now have images of my great grandparents, plus email contact with my second cousin.

[Guest]

when I take anything from somebodies tree like a photo etc I always contact them and ask if they mind, none have as yet.
Anyway have now sent it will see if I get a response, probably not.

[Chrissie Smiff]

It's kind of you Val I think you have done the right thing

[susan h]

when I take anything from somebodies tree like a photo etc I always contact them and ask if they mind, none have as yet.
Anyway have now sent it will see if I get a response, probably not.

Keep us updated, Val. I do hope you receive a pleasant message back.

[Elaine ..Spain]

Just thinking that a native British English speaker would be more likely to say "I'd like" than "I would like"...but you never know

I might say "I'd like" but if I was writing it then it would be "I would like"

Good luck Val - hope you get a "thank you reply"

[Guy]

By education I meant being taught to use manners by parents, peers, and or the people who brought one up.
Not formal education in the form of a school lesson on etiquette but informal education by being corrected when one makes a mistake.
I think most of us are educated on the use of manners in that way.

On the other hand having manners can sometimes be an embarrassment.
I remember when I was about twelve my mother was rushed into hospital with appendicitis. My sister and I had to be housed in the school boarding houses as it was deemed we were too young to cope on our own whilst she was away.
Being a new boy in the boarding house I had to sit next to the matron at mealtimes at a table with about 30 others. You can imagine how I cringed with embarrassment when during tea, a couple of days into my stay, the matron made the announcement for the boys to observe how I ate and how I asked if those around me wanted salt butter etc and offered the object to them before being asked.

These were basic manners taught to me by my mother throughout the years I was growing up and were now second nature to me. Things done automatically without thought; like saying please and thank you.

I imagine that the majority of the boys in the boarding house had been taught the same as I was but because they were eating with their peers their manners slipped.
Since then I discovered that many people automatically alter their actions, responses and indeed manners depending on how they perceive the company they are in.

Perhaps those perceived as having no manners are operating in a media they are not comfortable in and are possibly struggling to find the way to express themselves adequately, rather than intentionally being rude.
Cheers
Guy

[Guest]

I will keep you updated , but am not holding out much hope
Guy I was not taught good manners we grew up in a very poor family, and it was a sort of free for all ,but I make a point of saying please and thank you and if something pleases me I will tell the company ,as I think its as important to praise as it is to complain.
Its funny you say that though as we brought our kids up to say please and thank you etc , I always made a point of our family eating together at the Table , There would sometime be Biscuits or Cake on the Table ,my Son would help himself while my Daughter looked on , I had to say to her you can take some you know.;)

[Olde Crone Holden]

Once you are an adult, unless you are deeply thick, you ought to have realised that please and thankyou are standard!

OC

[Guest]

quite right OC life is a good teacher

[greyingrey]

Well, if you're sensitive, Val, then so am I. I've got a distant relative I was in contact with, but I always felt he was talking down to me. Only too happy to get any help (as you well know), but I just got the sense that he was dismissing anything I said out of hand (& I turned out to be right on more than one occasion) Probably just me.

[Guest]

I know what you mean Grey you get the raised eyebrows etc, I doubt it was you more like his bad manners.

[Guest]

well seeing as she was on every day up until I gave her the info have heard nothing yet