Bear with me because this is long, but I think it’s important to understand the whole story.
My grandparents were married in 1946 and had three children. My grandmother was a schoolteacher and my grandfather was a minister. My father was the middle child. His parents and siblings have all passed away, the men from heart attacks in their 50’s. For 20 years he has been the only surviving member of his family. He is now 70 years old and has told me that he is surprised he has lived this long and is the oldest living male that he knows of in his family.
Thanks to my own ancestry DNA test and *many* hours of research on my part, I have discovered that my grandfather is not his biological father. I am 99% sure that my grandmother had an affair (consensual or not, I’ll never know) with a married man who was 20 years older than her and had four teenage children of his own. I believe he was the father of one of her students. She was married and had a toddler, and I have no idea if my grandfather ever knew that my dad was not his biological child. I don’t even know if my grandmother was certain about the identity of the father, but I suspect that she eventually figured it out. My grandparents moved away from the town where the biological father lived around the time of my father’s birth.
Thanks to Facebook, I have learned a lot about my father‘s biological family. His father died in a car accident when my father was only a few years old. He has four older half-siblings and three of them are still living. They are all in their 80s. The other just passed away a few years ago, also in his 80’s. They have a lot of children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. They look like my dad. One of my father’s biological half-brothers only lives an hour away from him.
Here’s my dilemma: do I tell my father?
For the last 20 years he has believed that he is the only remaining member of his family, besides his own children and grandchildren of course. Would it be thrilling to find out that he has siblings he didn’t know about? He would now have the opportunity to meet them. And wouldn’t it be good news to find out that he is not biologically related to his father who died at 56, but instead has siblings who are living very long, healthy lives?
On the other hand, would it be terrible to find out that his mother had this huge secret that she never shared with him? I have spent a lot of time wondering whether or not it was consensual, how she must have felt, etc. I imagine that would be even harder for my father to grapple with that it is for me. Also, I have no idea if his father who raised him knew that my father was not his biological son. My dad will probably have a lot of questions about that and he will never get an answer in this lifetime. Would it be better to just keep this secret for myself?
Not an easy choice. What would you do if you were in my shoes? Why? Is there anything else that I am not considering?
A few other random thoughts of mine to share. My father has never been terribly family oriented. My mom always kept up with his family and did things like send Christmas cards, but he never really made much of an effort. (My parents are now divorced.) Also, I have noticed from Facebook that his biological family has political values that are strongly opposed to my father’s, and my father definitely cares about those issues. Obviously this not the most important thing in life, but something to consider.
Thanks in advance for any feedback.
- One confused daughter
My grandparents were married in 1946 and had three children. My grandmother was a schoolteacher and my grandfather was a minister. My father was the middle child. His parents and siblings have all passed away, the men from heart attacks in their 50’s. For 20 years he has been the only surviving member of his family. He is now 70 years old and has told me that he is surprised he has lived this long and is the oldest living male that he knows of in his family.
Thanks to my own ancestry DNA test and *many* hours of research on my part, I have discovered that my grandfather is not his biological father. I am 99% sure that my grandmother had an affair (consensual or not, I’ll never know) with a married man who was 20 years older than her and had four teenage children of his own. I believe he was the father of one of her students. She was married and had a toddler, and I have no idea if my grandfather ever knew that my dad was not his biological child. I don’t even know if my grandmother was certain about the identity of the father, but I suspect that she eventually figured it out. My grandparents moved away from the town where the biological father lived around the time of my father’s birth.
Thanks to Facebook, I have learned a lot about my father‘s biological family. His father died in a car accident when my father was only a few years old. He has four older half-siblings and three of them are still living. They are all in their 80s. The other just passed away a few years ago, also in his 80’s. They have a lot of children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. They look like my dad. One of my father’s biological half-brothers only lives an hour away from him.
Here’s my dilemma: do I tell my father?
For the last 20 years he has believed that he is the only remaining member of his family, besides his own children and grandchildren of course. Would it be thrilling to find out that he has siblings he didn’t know about? He would now have the opportunity to meet them. And wouldn’t it be good news to find out that he is not biologically related to his father who died at 56, but instead has siblings who are living very long, healthy lives?
On the other hand, would it be terrible to find out that his mother had this huge secret that she never shared with him? I have spent a lot of time wondering whether or not it was consensual, how she must have felt, etc. I imagine that would be even harder for my father to grapple with that it is for me. Also, I have no idea if his father who raised him knew that my father was not his biological son. My dad will probably have a lot of questions about that and he will never get an answer in this lifetime. Would it be better to just keep this secret for myself?
Not an easy choice. What would you do if you were in my shoes? Why? Is there anything else that I am not considering?
A few other random thoughts of mine to share. My father has never been terribly family oriented. My mom always kept up with his family and did things like send Christmas cards, but he never really made much of an effort. (My parents are now divorced.) Also, I have noticed from Facebook that his biological family has political values that are strongly opposed to my father’s, and my father definitely cares about those issues. Obviously this not the most important thing in life, but something to consider.
Thanks in advance for any feedback.
- One confused daughter
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