Unconfigured Ad Widget

Collapse

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Help! What to do when you find a huge surprise in family tree?

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Help! What to do when you find a huge surprise in family tree?

    Bear with me because this is long, but I think it’s important to understand the whole story.

    My grandparents were married in 1946 and had three children. My grandmother was a schoolteacher and my grandfather was a minister. My father was the middle child. His parents and siblings have all passed away, the men from heart attacks in their 50’s. For 20 years he has been the only surviving member of his family. He is now 70 years old and has told me that he is surprised he has lived this long and is the oldest living male that he knows of in his family.

    Thanks to my own ancestry DNA test and *many* hours of research on my part, I have discovered that my grandfather is not his biological father. I am 99% sure that my grandmother had an affair (consensual or not, I’ll never know) with a married man who was 20 years older than her and had four teenage children of his own. I believe he was the father of one of her students. She was married and had a toddler, and I have no idea if my grandfather ever knew that my dad was not his biological child. I don’t even know if my grandmother was certain about the identity of the father, but I suspect that she eventually figured it out. My grandparents moved away from the town where the biological father lived around the time of my father’s birth.

    Thanks to Facebook, I have learned a lot about my father‘s biological family. His father died in a car accident when my father was only a few years old. He has four older half-siblings and three of them are still living. They are all in their 80s. The other just passed away a few years ago, also in his 80’s. They have a lot of children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. They look like my dad. One of my father’s biological half-brothers only lives an hour away from him.

    Here’s my dilemma: do I tell my father?

    For the last 20 years he has believed that he is the only remaining member of his family, besides his own children and grandchildren of course. Would it be thrilling to find out that he has siblings he didn’t know about? He would now have the opportunity to meet them. And wouldn’t it be good news to find out that he is not biologically related to his father who died at 56, but instead has siblings who are living very long, healthy lives?

    On the other hand, would it be terrible to find out that his mother had this huge secret that she never shared with him? I have spent a lot of time wondering whether or not it was consensual, how she must have felt, etc. I imagine that would be even harder for my father to grapple with that it is for me. Also, I have no idea if his father who raised him knew that my father was not his biological son. My dad will probably have a lot of questions about that and he will never get an answer in this lifetime. Would it be better to just keep this secret for myself?

    Not an easy choice. What would you do if you were in my shoes? Why? Is there anything else that I am not considering?

    A few other random thoughts of mine to share. My father has never been terribly family oriented. My mom always kept up with his family and did things like send Christmas cards, but he never really made much of an effort. (My parents are now divorced.) Also, I have noticed from Facebook that his biological family has political values that are strongly opposed to my father’s, and my father definitely cares about those issues. Obviously this not the most important thing in life, but something to consider.

    Thanks in advance for any feedback.

    - One confused daughter

  • #2
    For myself, I’d be bursting to know about new family but your Dad is obviously a different kettle of fish. Given that politics is a very strong issue for him and that he is not a sociable person where family mixing and visiting is concerned, I’d err on the side of caution and keep it to yourself at least for the time being.
    When you say you gave learned a lot from DNA testing about his biological family, do you mean you have gleaned it from matches and trees and any posted photos or have you actually been in contact with or met this family? If so, what do they think about having another sibling?
    Can you talk to your Mum about it to see if she could give you some advice? You might get a bigger shock and discover that she has known or suspected something for years about your Dad’s true lineage.
    Last edited by GallowayLass; 22-03-22, 10:49.

    Comment


    • #3
      Information like this is like Pandora's box - once its out you cant put it back again, so think very long and hard about both your motivations and the potential consequences. Personally I would be devastated to learn 'out of the blue' that my father wasn't the man who raised me and who I'd loved all my life. Could you perhaps have a hypothetical conversation with him about say a (fictional) article you'd read, and gauge his views that way?

      Silly as it might sound, I deeply regret telling my mother that her biological great-grandfather wasn't who she thought he was. She'd never even met him, but it completely rocked her self-identity, as the story of who she was and where she came from had been passed down through the generations, and suddenly I'd taken all that away.

      To be honest, I'm struggling to see the benefits of telling him - it may give him peace of mind about his own longevity, but at what cost?

      Comment


      • #4
        GallowayLass, I have not contacted his biological family. They post everything on FB publicly so I have been able to see a lot. If I contact them (and tell them their father and an additional child, shock!) they may want to meet him, and I’m not sure if I want to tell him.

        I have told my mother. She never suspected it per se, but she has helped me understand a few things and says it definitely all fits now. My father is much taller than the men in his family, etc.

        Teasie, thank you so much for your perspective. That is very helpful. I guess the main benefit I see is that he may want to meet his 3 half-siblings and get to know them. If I found out tomorrow that one of them died, I would feel guilty knowing that he lost out on the chance to meet them. Then again, I agree that it could totally rock his world and his sense of identity.

        The father who raised him died of a heart attack at 56 and his half-brother that he grew up with died of a heart attack at 53. My father is about to retire this spring and says he hopes for at least a few good years. But you’re right, the knowledge of family health history may not be worth the cost.

        I definitely feel like I opened Pandora’s Box. I wish I hadn’t.

        Comment


        • #5
          I would not disclose this information to your father at the moment. It maybe quite a shock to him and very upsetting at his age. Your father, you say, is not very sociable and may not have any interest in meeting his half siblings

          ​​​​​​It could be that your father already has some doubts about his parentage, given the health problems of the male line. If you get the opportunity to talk to your father about this, he may divulge any uncertainties he has and you could gauge whether disclosure would be of benefit.

          Vera

          Comment


          • #6
            I would tell you father either. He might be very upset about it and not come to terms with it. Also you don't know if this other family would be happy about it either.

            There are loads of little things I didn't tell my father about his family including his brother and future wife had a baby when not married. We all knew her and my Grandma bought her up until her parents married. Dad was away at war then.

            I really would think hard about it.
            Lin

            Searching Lowe, Everitt, Hurt and Dunns in Nottingham

            Comment


            • #7
              I think I would want to make contact, but I know I wouldn't tell my Dad, well certainly not initially.

              If they are quite 'loud/expressive' they may not keep the secret and contact him direct?

              Once I had got to know them I would then decided if I liked them, and sort of make an assessment how Dad would take it. For my Dad if he wasn't happy with it he would tell me that I had got it wrong, and that his mother would never do such a thing.

              My friend has just made contact with her Mothers sisters child (eg her half cousin I guess) that was from an affair of her father. They sort of knew of the sisters existence, but had been told she had been dead for years, when in fact she only die in the last 10 years. It seemed to go OK, her mum is now in her 90s. The affair wasn't brief.

              I was contacted by a grandchild of my Dads fathers siblings, when my Dad had said that there were no siblings apart from one killed in the ww1, he sort of didn't believe it. The grandchild, was super odd when I said my father had been kept away from the family, and I had a few odd messages from him. But did have a really nice conversation with another relative.
              Carolyn
              Family Tree site

              Researching: Luggs, Freeman - Cornwall; Dayman, Hobbs, Heard - Devon; Wilson, Miles - Northants; Brett, Everett, Clark, Allum - Herts/Essex
              Also interested in Proctor, Woodruff

              Comment


              • #8
                The 'other family' must have noticed the close DNA link, unless they are not really that interested in family history. The match must be very noticeably large. Of course there are plenty of people have a DNA test and do nothing else about it but I would have been messaging you to see who you were if it was my test! So .. if they don't contact you I think I might keep quiet. If they do get to know you can't guarantee that it won't get back to your Dad, in which case it would be much better for you to break the news than have him find out from strangers. Only you know your Dad and whether he misses being part of a family now. If he doesn't then it might be better to keep quiet, which is very hard for you but once the secret is out there's no turning back.
                Anne
                Last edited by Anne in Carlisle; 22-03-22, 16:19.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Anne in Carlisle View Post
                  The 'other family' must have noticed the close DNA link, unless they are not really that interested in family history. The match must be very noticeably large.
                  This.
                  First - if they are able to figure out who you and/or your father are, they will likely be able to figure out how to contact either of you at their will.
                  Second - even if you don't have a tree (now), it's still possible to determine likely sides of the tree from how you relate to their other matches. If you have a tree, it will make determining the match even easier. (Mods, should this be in the DNA section for privacy?).

                  I knew a woman who was interested in identifying her bio-parents. Neither parent was researching, but side branches of her bio-mom had trees up, leading her to the conclusion about bio-mom's identity. The adoptee chose not to contact the researching side branches (nor her bio-mom), but inevitably the side-branch researchers decided to do DNA research. I have no idea who had what reaction, but the relationship had to have pretty obvious. The lesson: if you keep your father's DNA results up, a researcher may find their way to you.

                  Another lesson, for all - DNA matching is not for the faint-hearted. Sometimes you find out things you might not have wanted to know. I think there are facebook groups on this subject...
                  Last edited by PhotoFamily; 22-03-22, 22:20.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Thanks for all the responses.

                    My father hasn’t done the DNA test, only me. The closest connection I have found is one of his first cousins. Through that and a lot of research and process of elimination, plus a newspaper article from 1951 that connected all of the dots, I have figured out who my father’s bio father is. I have kept my online family tree private. The red flag for me was really that I didn’t find any of my paternal grandfather’s family (my maiden name) in my DNA matches. Then I got curious about a second cousin and figured it all out.

                    Another question…. I have two siblings. I would love to talk to them about it and ask them for their opinions on this, but I know what a burden it has been for me and I don’t know if they would want to know this or not. Any thoughts there?
                    Last edited by ConfusedDaughter; 22-03-22, 22:28.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by ConfusedDaughter View Post
                      Another question…. I have two siblings. I would love to talk to them about it and ask them for their opinions on this, but I know what a burden it has been for me and I don’t know if they would want to know this or not. Any thoughts there?
                      you've already discussed this with your mother, why involve other people at this stage? If you can barely handle this secret, how do you know you siblings could? I would continue discussing this with your mother. If you feel you want to to discuss this with family members, i would get her opinion on that. And think how your father would feel if he found out his children and ex wife all kept that from him.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by PhotoFamily View Post

                        (Mods, should this be in the DNA section for privacy?).
                        There is nothing here to identify the family concerned as no names are mentioned but we can move the thread if ConfusedDaughter requests it, (she just needs to post here asking for that rather than doing it by personal message).

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by PhotoFamily View Post

                          (Mods, should this be in the DNA section for privacy?).

                          Another lesson, for all - DNA matching is not for the faint-hearted. Sometimes you find out things you might not have wanted to know. .
                          Originally posted by Jill on the A272 View Post

                          There is nothing here to identify the family concerned as no names are mentioned but we can move the thread if ConfusedDaughter requests it, (she just needs to post here asking for that rather than doing it by personal message).
                          I'd agree with Jill on the A272 - we can move it to the DNA board, which I normally would have done, which is not open to non-members, but it is a discussion that could be very useful to people who have not yet gone down the DNA route.
                          Caroline
                          Caroline's Family History Pages
                          Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by ConfusedDaughter View Post
                            I have kept my online family tree private.
                            Assuming this is on AncestryDNA, it's important to realize that there are two levels of privacy. The first one offered allows the tree to remain indexed - and AncestryDNA can/will use that to make ThruLine connections using the names and displayed to all parties of the connection.

                            There is another level of privacy that keeps the tree from being indexed. I think that also keeps it out of ThruLines.

                            Also, since you are the one tested, if your maternal side is visible, you may still leave a curious and thorough person opportunities: the researcher doesn't see a connection to your maternal side, notes there's no paternal side listed, and tries to build it themselves. With CivReg records being pretty easily available in the UK, building out a tree can often be done, especially with surnames that aren't really common.

                            Telling family members...is difficult to advise from a distance - we don't know them and have no idea how they would react.

                            From a DNA research stand point, not testing your parent(s) (when possible) means missing out on 50% of their genetic information...Testing as many siblings as possible reduces that percentage.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              My cousin had his life wrecked when an older half-brother (illegitimate child of their mother and adopted by childless friends of the mother) wrote to cousin and "announced" himself and wouldn't be ignored. Cousin's mother was deceased and so not able to give her account of events,. He was devastated, felt betrayed and up until his death always vowed he wished N had never contacted him or told him about the relationship. N's attitude was "If T doesn't want to know me, okay - I'm entitled to try and build a relationship." N just couldn't comprehend that maybe T wouldn't want to know, and that once the truth was out, there was no winding back the clock. T and his mother had always been very close; he was born after her subsequent marriage to another chap, Dad was away for the duration of WW2 and there were just the two of them for four years - T would have been very special to her; a little boy she was able to keep.
                              Janet in Yorkshire



                              Genealogists never die - they just swap places in the family tree

                              Comment


                              • #16
                                You have a real dilemma on your hands and you have to weigh up very carefully what you hope to gain by telling him, against what you could possibly lose by telling him. Once the genie is out of the bottle there is no going back from that, this is life-changing news.

                                I had a very similar situation myself recently, although in my case both my parents have passed away. For me personally, I wouldn't tell him, there is too much to lose compared to what there is to gain, but that's a choice that only you can decide.

                                I saw a talk on this very sensitive subject a few years ago, the talk was aimed at looking at things from the perspective of the person that knows the secret, which is yourself in this case. There is an enormous burden of responsibility on the secret holder, should they tell or not? In some cases revealing the secret works for all parties, but in many cases, it doesn't. There are also many instances when the secret is let out and the person then finds out that you knew all along, it can lead to permanent family fallouts. I don't envy your decision, but i would definitely think long and hard about it, which I am sure that you will. Wishing you all the best.
                                My Family History Blog Site:

                                https://chiddicksfamilytree.com

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X