Ancestry and GR Contacts. How Do You...

[Penelope]

Ancestry and GR contacts. How do you deal with the rude/ignorant ones? I'm never sure if some people are being rude or just not up on the etiquette of t'internet.

Now I buck the trend here having had mainly great GR contacts, but recent one on Ancestry sent me a very peremptory demand to tell them who the father of Person X was.

Rather than reply directly, I said words to the effect - the IGI is a wonderful thing. Google is your friend.
:D

Since relented and sent her something I know she can never get unless she lived here and could spent 5 hours a week at the archives to find it. But she didn't seem overjoyed, or like I'd even given her anything, really. I didn't want thanks but some sense that the info was useful would have been great!

Next time I get one like that, I will stick with the IGI/Google is your friend line.

So - how do you deal with peremtory demands to spew out all your information for little or no return? I have never had a problem with it before - in fact, couldn't care less. But now am beginning to think those of you here who have said on previous threads 'give them nothing' might have a valid point....

[Olde Crone Holden]

Penelope

I now drip feed information - if I think there is a connection, that is. If they want more, they have to keep coming back to me (and it's really odd, very few people bother?????)

I always try for parity where rudeness is concerned.

"Can I see your tree?"

Gets the reply

"Why?"

"Was your Maud Bloggs married to Joe Snodgrass?" gets the reply "No, my Maud was not married to Joe Snodgrass".

I am happy to share anything (share being the word usually for me giving, them receiving...no matter, I'm used to it) as long as a dialogue opens up. At the very least I want to know that they have a burning interest in the family and are not going to waste MY effort.

Some while ago, I sent a contact a rather heavy parcel containing photocopied docs of everything I had on six generations of one family. I waited and waited and waited...then I emailed and asked if she had received the parcel safely. "Yes" she replied - and that was it! Never again.

OC

[Merry Monty Montgomery]

I've not had any that were really rude, but very abrupt would cover a lot.

I always reply politely and usually tell them what I know about my person (dates, parents, spouse and children if known). I often find myself finishing up saying something like

"and I can see from the 1901 census that your Fred was born ten years later and in Cornwall not Derbyshire, so it doesn't look like they are the same person"

I don't often get a real match!

[Kath nr the Crooked Spire]

I don't mind giving basic information to anyone with family connections, I don't like to see a tree with wrong entries. It may be 'their' tree but I view it as also being my family history 'going wrong'

The nice little bits that I find for myself, I enjoy sharing but this is where I prefer information to be 'traded like for like'

[Glen in Tinsel Knickers]

Some folks can appear quite abrupt in the way they post a question, i found someone who has an error in their tree (US based researcher and the "wrong" event was a marriage in 1836). They initially contacted me asking about the surname.
I have a few certs and census stuff for the family (1838 and 1840 birth certs) and mentioned that the "Mary xxx" should actually be "Mary yyy" and asked if they wanted the details as it might open up several more generations quite quickly.

They wouldn't have any of it, there was no way they could have made an error as the info they had "came from the IGI". I didn't pursue things any further. When they asked why i replied to say there was nothing i could add because we obviously had different ideas about the family relationships and none of our research matched.

[Breckland Jane]

It seems to me that quite a few people don't want the truth, only the truth as they see it. I'm sure I've mentioned before that two people have my great grandfather married to the wrong woman (same name, same age, born in the wrong place - actually my great grandmother's cousin). I have told them it is wrong but they have never changed their trees. Still, it's their loss, not mine.

Going back to the original question, I'm always polite even if requests are abrupt (although my replies may be short and sweet) and will happily give information once a connection is established. I would rather give correct information than see another load of rubbish perpetuated.

Jane

[skylark]

GR Contacts

I recently got in touch with someone who shared someone in their tree who matched mine & hoped that we could share some info....I was told that he would be very interested in any info that I could supply...but I still don't know HIS relationship to the shared name...I was asked to share my tree but the sheer SIZE of this chaps tree was a warning signal to me...would he just add all my relations to his own tree ( That has happened before ! )

Margaret.

[Penelope]

I think maybe OC's idea of reflecting back however they approach you, may be the best way forward for me! I must be lucky, have had no really rude ones on GR but this Ancestry messaging thing seems to be throwing up a few. Now I've obliterated my tree from there can't see why there'll be any more. Think Worser Half made the tree public as he's desperate for contacts! (He never gets any on GR or Ancestry but I get loads probably just due to the fact I'm from a lot of big families so there are more rellies out there when many generations had 10-15 kids all of whom survived?) Of course by making his tree public he made mine public which hadn't realised he'd done.

Think we will have to separate our trees and put his files back up, somehow. He wouldn't mind a few abrupt *Tell me Person X's father's name?* at this point, he's so desperate!

Also what is it with the folk who trawl for your info, then act like they didn't need it anyways or they were only asking about X but really Y is far more interesting... have had a couple like that.

[Phoenix]

Have just contacted someone on GR, choosing not his ancestor's name, but that of a brother as the brother's name is less common.

I actually have no interest in that brother, simply wanted to demonstrate that I was talking about the right family.

The trouble is that so many of us have different motives for making contact. I have some photos I'd like to identify that actually may prove more interesting to him than me.

When you are dancing in the dark, you can't tell who you are dancing with.

[Olde Crone Holden]

That's very true, Phoenix.

I very nearly lost the best contact of my family history life because I was dismissive of his routine enquiry about a very common name in my tree. I had had dozens, if not hundreds, of previous contacts about this man, all of the hopeful fisher type - "Is your James Holden born 1860 in Manchester the same James Holden as mine born in 1865 in Australia?"

So when I had a GR contact asking me if my James Holden married blah blah, I wrote back saying, nope, he never married, died a bachelor in 1900.

Fortunately, the contact knew a lot more than I did and persisted the exchange - so, would you please confirm that his mother was NOT Ellen Grimshaw?

OC fell over - YES, his mother's name WAS Ellen Grimshaw. Long story short, James DID marry, shortly before he died and left a widow pregnant with twins.

The only reason this contact survived was because HE knew more than I did and was very sure of his facts, having researched our mutual family very thoroughly. Had he been less sure of his facts, he would probably have retreated and looked elsewhere for his man.

OC

[Rosie Knees]

rhetorical grumble!

He wouldn't mind a few abrupt *Tell me Person X's father's name?* at this point, he's so desperate!

I'm with your OH there Penelope. I sent a message to someone on 1 April. It's the first time I'd noticed this 'hints' thingy and they have many of my dad's ancestors. It all looks pretty accurate and I think our common ancestor is my GG GF. I sent my usual enthusiatic message (call me Uriah Heep lol) "I see we seem to share ancestors. Looks like common is XXX. From looking at your tree I think your YYYY was the brother of my ZZZ. I'd love to hear from you" Signed possible distant cousin etc.

This person has been on Ancestry several times since then; why would they not reply? :( I have even put a note on my GF's page on their tree.

winge winge winge.

[mariescott64]

If i am contacting someone i usually ask if there xxx was the son/daughter of yyyans zzz or sibling of another.
Yesterday i had a reply to a question regarding my family in Northern Ireland, this person will not answer my question until i tell him whether i am Catholic or Prodestant!!!!!!
I know this still matters to some people over there....but WHAT has it to do with my family tree?????


BTW have also had some wonderful matches on GR that have put me in touch with my mathers cousins in Australia (I never even knew they existed)

[JBee]

I made contact with a couple of people on ancestry that had the same name as I'm researching in the same area around the same time late 1700's. I know they aren't the same person but asked politely if they ever came across my Margaret with a father Neil in their research I would be most obliged for any info.

A lady sent me a lovely reply and said she'd keep a lookout for me.

[Jammy Dodger]

The latest 'request' I got was along these lines

You have been contacted by John Smith regarding Fred Snith

"Is this my father?
John"

The reply was quite terse

John
Snith or Smith? If you are 145 years old it could be
Regards
Jammy

Normally I would doublecheck all information I have, and then if I consider it a match open my tree and give whatever information requested, otherwise I thank them for their time and apologise. Rarely do I get any thanks or further correspondence.

[John_8251]

I have held back from uploading my family tree with 433 people on to Ancestry etc.. One of the reasons is I am unsure how to do it (I have read the instructions) the other is I don't want people to just take years of research and copy and paste it.
Reading what other people experience with some people demanding, being rude etc it makes me even more wary.
I know if I did upload my tree it could open up new contacts that could help me.
So, do I upload or keep my head down and blinkers on and rely on these forums to help when I am stuck?
Off to work now... renovating a 160 old house with love and money

[Elaine ..Spain]

John, you can keep your tree private on Ancestry so that others cannot see it. Names however, will show up if someone does a search - they are then given the option of contacting you via the Ancestry message service. At that point you can decide whether you want to invite them to see you tree, or whether you would prefer to feed them snippets of information via the message system or, if you exchange email addresses, by email.

If you need help uploading your tree to Ancestry then just ask and someone will talk you through it - it's very easy to do!

[Janet]

Unfortunately a certain attitude that some people adopt with regard to Family History, and asking for information I do find totally unacceptable and an example of this rather crude first introduction to myself fairly recently was as follows:

Hello J****

Could you tell me more about your E***** N**** as I am researching the N**** family from S******** and would like to know if he is part of the same family.

Best Wishes

C****

If anybody is seeking help from others the first thing they should think about is giving some little bit of information about their family of interest FIRST to whet the appetite of the person from whom they are seeking the information. Only then can an exchange of reasonable dialogue begin.

To me the above is a total turn off although I did reply politely with some information, only to be asked the next question as to who the parents were! No thought of giving me any information! Sadly this is not new. In the old days you would send letters with stamped addressed envelopes which were never answered and that was just as rude.

Is there any real answer to the problem? As long as you have human nature, I very much doubt it. You are always going to come up against some people who have no idea how to approach others for information. I do usually these days reflect back to the person writing to me.

I do have to balance the few rotten apples against the number of very good contacts that I have.

Janet

[Glen in Tinsel Knickers]

It's difficult to gauge how to take some requests,interpretations of what is or isn't a "good" request will always vary. Some are very blunt or curt and generally i would offer little initially but try and establish where the common connection is.

The example Janet gives above seems quite reasonable to me but as an outsider not knowing the connection between Janet and E***** N****, i could be way off track.

It might be a bit of a fishing trip by the sender but (to me at least) on the face of it i would probably reply if there was a connection to the name, and ask a few questions. It might be that there are different branches of the same family in an area and both parties could benefit but every situation is different.

[Phoenix]

There will always be prats like me floating around. Having made my GR contact, and he's a lovely man! I now discover that I cannot find the album with the photos I promised him! I thought I left it with my cousin, but she does not remember this. I'll have to stall & search!:o

[Anne in Carlisle]

Yes, Phoenix, but I'm sure you will let him know the problem!;)

I recently had a contact about my Coleman family in Bedforshire (they were there 1699 - 1950 at least). Surprisingly I hardly ever get contacts for this part of the family

On the face of it it was very promising - he was researching the Coleman name in Bedforshire, including his Colemans who came from a nearby place to mine. I responded with a bit of information and interest, saying I had often wondered if there was a connection. No, I couldn't see his tree (no longer pay!) but I gave him my email address for further exchanges .........

..... Did I hear back from him?? :(:( Did I ****. He appeared to be a serious researcher and I'm getting so **** off I think I'll send another - more pointed - reply.

Anne

PS Have done it - feel better now!!!