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  • My father's family

    My father knows very little of his family, my grandfather left my grandmother when he was very young and my grandmother, who only died a few years ago was a very difficult woman.

    My mother has asked me to do some research in to this family, which is of course as much my family as the family tree I have been doing for my mother's family, but I am really struggling to feel like this is "my" family in the same way as my mother's family.

    I wonder if this is because I have pretty nasty memories of my grandmother and my father's family in general has always been a taboo subject.

    Has anyone else had similar feelings about starting a tree? I think I am also concerned what I am going to find as I've always had the impression there were things best left alone which was why it was never talked about.

    I'd appreciate some other peoples experiences to encourage me to carry on!

    Clare
    Clare

  • #2
    Hi Clare,
    I think as you look deeper into this branch you will develop more feelings for it. You may also uncover some stories which may explain why things were as they were - eg you say that your grandmum was a very difficult woman - perhaps you will uncover some reasons for this and be able to understand her better.
    Perhaps what you discover may be unpleasant - it is a risk we all take and a difficult choice.
    I wish you luck and I hope you will soon feel better about tackling this branch of your tree.
    Best wishes.
    herky
    herky
    Researching - Trimmer (Farringdon), Noble & Taylor (Ross and Cromarty), Norris (Glasgow), McGilvray (Glasgow and Australia), Leck & Efford (Glasgow), Ferrett (Hampshire), Jenkins & Williams (Aberystwyth), Morton (Motherwell and Tipton), Barrowman (Glasgow), Lilley (Bromsgrove and Glasgow), Cresswell (England and Lanarkshire). Simpson, Morrow and Norris in Ireland. Thomas Price b c 1844 Scotland.

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    • #3
      Maybe by continuing your research on your fathers line you may discover something that will give answers as to why Grandad left and why granny was a difficult woman etc.

      I was always particularly close to my beloved Grandpa who was actually my great grandfather. (The father of my maternal grandmother)

      I never knew his wife as she died before even my mother was born.
      My Grandpa always spoke fondly of her and never married again.
      As a teenager I began to hear the rumours that Grandpa cheated and Great Grannys death was suspicious but no-one could mention it as it was all hush hush and taboo.

      I was quite upset to think that my beloved Grandpa hadn't been the wonderful man I had always known him as.
      Then through my research a lot of questions were answered and Grandpa is still my hero although I do wish he were still alive to ask him why he spoke so fondly of a woman who..... wasn't the easiest of people to get on with

      Even so I have ended up doing more research on her family than any of my other branches and have made contact with distant cousins from all over the world all descending from the same branch.

      As much as this family seemed boring to me to begin with I have actually grown quite fond of them and even gave my youngest child the surname as a middle name

      Hang in there you never know you may just develop a fondness for the family and even an understanding of your late grandmother.
      With Experience comes Realisation

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      • #4
        This is a very tricky one and in the end only you can make a decision as to what you want to do.

        I can only give you some experience of my own in this area where I was always keen to do my mother's side of the tree but had to wait until after both my parents were dead before I became interested in my father's side. This had to happen as second w war circumstances for me caused a lot of separation and unhappiness which was not resolved until both parents died and I realised that I was left with many unanswered questions. My mother's side was easy as it was in the UK but my father's was in Ireland and has led me to meet up with cousins on the other side which has led me to a very satisfying Irish tree so far, but also a realisation of a very unhappy time for much of my father's family after his mother died and his father walked out on the family of 10 ages 4 to 12, leaving my father and most of his siblings to live in an institution. His father came to England and remarried, but the whole family were estranged from him and my father never spoke about this side of his family life. I can only say that it has been very humbling and therapeutic for me to have traced and uncovered many of the traumas that my father must have experienced and in so doing have laid many of my own ghosts to rest. I hope that whatever you find that you may also lay a few ghosts of your own to rest should you decide to trace that side that is not at present to your liking.

        I obviously now wish that with so many unsolved gaps that my father may have helped with when he was alive, that I had done some tracing whist he was still around.

        Think very hard before you make your decision and good luck.

        Janet
        Last edited by Janet; 24-01-09, 17:08.

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        • #5
          None of us are born nasty or difficult people. By exploring more you may find the reason why this was so. Things happen to us which are beyond our control which make us what we are. Hopefully you will find something that will help you understand and appreciate her. I would definitely want to know more.
          Kat

          My avatar is my mother 1921 - 2012

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          • #6
            Thank you all for your advice.

            I think I need to find out more to try and understand her. I know she loved me and my sister very much but at the moment can take no pleasure from the photos and things she left.

            I know this won't be as easy as my maternal side where everything, illegitimacy, bankruptcy and all the other trials and tribulations of life have always been openly discussed, but hopefully I'll learn things which will help me understand her life and why she was the way she was.

            Clare
            Clare

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            • #7
              I agree with the previous posters.

              My grandmother was a difficult, dour woman, a miserable ***. In contrast, I adored my grandfather and it was mutual.

              I don't have any pictures of my grandmother actually smiling. But gradually, I have come to understand her, I think.

              She was born profoundly deaf, but had a good education at the Manchester School for Deaf - world reknowned at the time. She was an extremely talented artist and went to Slade. After that, she illustrated books etc and ran with the artist's set.

              My grandfather lived in the same road and went to the same church. When he was called up in WW1, granny's parents suggested she wrote to him as part of the war effort and this she did.

              When he returned from WW1, the two families assumed they would marry and I think they found themselves engaged by default. They married in 1921 and my father was born 10 months later.

              My grandfather was a professional opera singer but the depression of the 1920s hit him and they were bankrolled by my greatgrandfather for the first ten years of their marriage. He finally said enough, and grandad gave up being an opera singer and went off to sell tinned fruit!

              Both sacrificed the thing they loved and were best at - granny her art, grandad his music. But I could bang their heads together - there was nothing stopping either of them continuing on a non professional level, but they chose a life time of sulking about it instead, each a martyr to the cause of a marriage neither of them had really wanted.

              It was not a happy marriage. My grandmother appears in all photos as bone thin, boyish and with haunted eyes. Because she was deaf, no one ever bothered talking to her directly and she must have been so lonely. I am now sure she was anorexic and there is also a possibility in my mind that she may have been gay by inclination - which would have been absolutely taboo back then, even if she had known it herself.

              My adored grandfather wasn't a good provider really and not the sort of husband my grandmother needed.

              I still adore the memory of my grandfather, but he certainly wasn't the risen saint I had in my mind, and neither was my grandmother the miserable sulker I remembered from my childhood.

              OC

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              • #8
                I only wish I had known my father's parents. Sadly one died long before I was born and my grandmother (a difficult woman) died when I was 3 months old. She had lived with my parents and my Mum says that although she found her difficult, she now realises that she didn't really understand her and how hard her life had been.

                My mum's mother (like my mum!) was a lovely lovely woman and I have only warm and very affectionate memories of her. By contrast, my grandfather was a miserable man. I don't recall him ever kissing me or speaking to me, except for saying "hallo" and "goodbye" when we visited.

                Yes, he had some tough events in his life, his mother died when he was 7, he didn't get on with his stepmother, he had a rotten time in WW1 (though was a jolly sight better off than many) and found it hard to find work. One of his sons died at the age of 15, a terrible blow. But he didn't have to be embittered about it - after all the same thing happened to my Grannie and she was anything but bitter!
                ~ with love from Little Nell~
                Chowns, Dunt, Emms, Mealing, Purvey & Smoothy

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                • #9
                  I hope one day I really do understand her and like you littlenel come to see what shaped her life to make her the way she was.

                  I think I need to give myself time do the research gradually, I didn't know my grandfather's name until last weekend and didn't know my grandmother's true birth year until I found her on the 1911 census aged 1 month. I need to get used to everything being "new", whereas my research so far has been filling in the gaps into things that my mum knew growing up.

                  Clare
                  Clare

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                  • #10
                    Clare...............I didn't know my grandmother's name till a few years ago. I knew her second name and married name, but not her first or maiden name. She was always talked about as a mean woman.
                    After finding her and tracing through her tree, I found what a sad life she'd led and the fact she'd lost her her husband and her son (my father) within a year of each other didn't help.

                    Her mother in law was also supposed to be a horrid person, her husband and kids lived around the corner from her...lol....but they remained as a couple, having another child every so often...lol

                    I found she'd been born the youngest child of German migrants in 1860 in a remote Australian bush area and had been promised to a man she didn't like. She took off, fell in love, only to have the new fellow killed in an accident the day before the wedding.

                    She later married my great grandfather.

                    You will find stories you don't like, but you may also find reasons.

                    You could also be lucky and find some great stories about people.
                    We were always told OH's family were slave traders in Bristol. They were traders in Bristol, involved in trading with the West and East Indies. I hated the thought, even though it was history,etc,etc.
                    I did find they were actually very involved in the abolition of slavery.

                    Made them much nicer people in my eyes.

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                    • #11
                      Every family probably has its skeleton.

                      My father would never speak of his own father - only his stepfather, who had clearly been a special kind of person. My own grandfather had left his very young family in 1916, leaving them under severe financial pressure.

                      Just in the past few years, I have found out a whole lot about my Errant Grandfather. I hadn't expected to find anything at all, but a family rumour proved the clue to unlock a lot of the mystery. He appears to have behaved in a manner which seems less than satisfactory - but I don't know what pressures he experienced.

                      Christine
                      Researching: BENNETT (Leics/Birmingham-ish) - incl. Leonard BENNETT in Detroit & Florida ; WARR/WOR, STRATFORD & GARDNER/GARNAR (Oxon); CHRISTMAS, RUSSELL, PAFOOT/PAFFORD (Hants); BIGWOOD, HAYLER/HAILOR (Sussex); LANCASTER (Beds, Berks, Wilts) - plus - COCKS (Spitalfields, Liverpool, Plymouth); RUSE/ROWSE, TREMEER, WADLIN(G)/WADLETON (Devonport, E Cornwall); GOULD (S Devon); CHAPMAN, HALL/HOLE, HORN (N Devon); BARRON, SCANTLEBURY (Mevagissey)...

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                      • #12
                        You may find certain things unpalatable by todays standards but have to remember things were different when your ancestors lived and circumstances may have forced them to do things considered unsatisfactory now.

                        A story I heard about one of my rellies was that she was dour - but then I also heard that her husband was a drinker and often unemployed due to lack of work and she had to work to provide for 10 children. No wonder she wasn't a happy lady.

                        You may come to sympathise with one of your rellies you never thought you could take to.



                        Researching Irish families: FARMER, McBRIDE McQUADE, McQUAID, KIRK, SANDS/SANAHAN (Cork), BARR,

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