Has anyone come across scandals that you don't dare tell elderly relatives?

[George]

I found out earlier this year that my great grans last child died of congenital syphilis. All we have told my gran is that the child died in infancy.

As to tell her that there is a possibility one of her grandparents was unfaithful would probably be too much of a shock.

Anyone else have similar stories?

George

[Christine in Herts]

I've come across one or two "father unknowns" in the various branches.

I suspect my mother would have been amused, had she not been "away with the fairies" - but might not have liked to find that some were in her part of the tree! ;)

Christine

[Paul Barton, Special Agent]

When I started this lark I think my mum was hoping I'd find aristocracy in our line. She was clearly miffed when I found her great grandmother in the workhouse. However, she's now come round to my way of thinking - that these were tough survivors wo could teach us all a thing or two about the indomitable British spirit. So, Catherine Stewart, you're not a skeleton in my cupboard but a heroine.

[Little Nell]

My Mother, aged 83, is the only elderly relative I have (the others are all 6-feet under). My Mum isn't fazed by illegitimacy, lunacy, or anything else, she is very down-to-earth and accepting of things. So I guess I'm lucky.

[maggie_4_7]

Paul Barton, Special Agent

That's exactly how I feel. We've found a few 'skeletons' in my gg grandmother's cupboard and things that has made us quite sad. She had a tough life but if it wasn't for her my g grandfather and grandfather wouldn't have had the dynastys they mave managed to produce the last hundred years! I am proud of everyone one of my ancesters, the illegimate, the unmarried mothers and the poor soul that was listed as lunatic from birth/imbecile in the Workhouse.

Most people don't even realise what a better life we have now in all respects and how very hard it was for the people in those days, just managing to survive day to day must have be a feat.

I will be telling all very soon to some older relatives and I expect they will be in the same mind as me.

Maggie

[Little Nell]

No matter what your background, I reckon everyone will have illegitimate or near-illegitimate children, lunatics, disabled people and criminals in their family tree. I'm sure our trees represent the societies in which they grew.

[Durham Lady]

My late mum took everything I found and told her in her stride. She told me she had an uncle who died of war wounds a few years after WW1. I got a copy of the death certificate and it says Neuro Syphilis, when I showed it to my mum all she said was, "well I never":D

[Tilly Mint]

No, not as yet George..........i am still looking........Lol :D

But

There is "stuff " my family wont tell me......i think i am the one who has upset the applecart because i keep getting told to stop my research and mind my own buisness!!!

Jacky x :D

[George]

I found out one little secret that my 3 times great gran had done her best to hide in her lifetime, the fact that she was probably born illegitimitely and raised in Leek Workhouse. As she lied on every census about where she was born and gave different fathers names on both her marriage records. Her mother was unmarried on all censuses.

Sorry Sarah Sales nee Shipley but your secret is out now.

[maggie_4_7]

What frustrates me more is disinterest.

I'm not frightened of opinions or even shock element, that would be good. I know I won't get that from my family they'll either go 'oh that's interesting' or 'oh god she's off again about the dead relatives'!!!



Maggie

[Michael]

I think I must be quite lucky in having elderly relatives who are a) still alive (in several cases at least); b) able and willing to share with me memories of those who aren't; c) interested in what I find out and d) not easily shocked, so I can tell them that one of their great-grandparents was illegitimate and they'll laugh it off.

[KiteRunner]

With my tree too it is more the other way round, stuff that my elderly relatives (now deceased) knew but wouldn't tell us.

[Paul Barton, Special Agent]

'oh god she's off again about the dead relatives'!!!

Yeah.... why do critics always say we're obsessed with dead people? My daughter says it all the time. It's their lives that I find interesting.

[jacquei essex]

Oh yes I discovered that my gt grandmother Ann lived with another man a George Neale whilst still married to my gt grandfather Charles and he fathered two of her children and I am still trying to find out where my gt grandfather was during that period, possibly a soldier or in prison. The awful thing is I cant be sure if this man fathered my grandfather George or his twin Frank. George Neale came to an untimely end, he was crushed between a gatepost and a loaded wagon and lived 30 mins. Guess what Ann returned to Charles and all the children are listed as his on 1891 census. Two birth certificates show George Neale as father and the other three just show Mothers name. So a skeleton in the cupboard?? which I think some of my father's siblings know about as they are loath to work on ancestral tree.

jacquei

[Merry Monty Montgomery]

With my tree too it is more the other way round, stuff that my elderly relatives (now deceased) knew but wouldn't tell us.

That's the same as me, Kite.

[Janet]

I had a cousin in America with whom I had been sharing family info. He had cancer and was dying and he gave me an address of a cousin of his in the UK which he wanted to get in touch with. He wrote to her, but was not getting a reply, so I offered to get in touch. I rang the cousin and explained the situation, but she was rather brutal over the phone and said she was not interested in him after all these years. I pleaded with her to just give him a call as he was not expected to live, but she just said that she was in the process of moving and was too busy and hung the phone up on me. I could not tell my cousin the truth of what had happened, so I just mailed him and said that she had moved from the area with no forwarding address. He died soon after.

I also have an elderly Aunt of almost 100 in the States who knows nothing about her father, beyond the fact that he walked out on the family of 12 in Ireland in 1912 when her mother died. I have found the cemetery where he was buried and although I have told all the rest of the family I have made them promise not to tell this Aunt as she has always been in denial of what happened to him and I see no point in upsetting an old lady.

Janet

[Olde Crone Holden]

I very much regret telling my elderly, highly respectable uncle that his great grandfather was illegitimate and born in the workhouse and was not the driver of the Flying Scotsman, as my uncle had been led to believe all his life.

He was upset and embarrassed and I was horrified that what I had thought was highly amusing and interesting was a source of shame and embarrassment to him.

Also, the knowledge that the same man had committed his deaf and dumb daughter to the workhouse hospital at the age of 17 months, where she remained until her late 40s, hasn't improved anyone's life either.

OC

[Michael]

I haven't told my dad that his grandmothers (they were sisters) had another sister who died in infancy - slightly different situation in that it wasn't scandalous, but was potentially upsetting, and he knew his grandmothers so if they chose not to tell him then I didn't think it was up to me to do so.

[KiteRunner]

Michael, are you sure they knew about her? Could she have died when they were so young that they didn't remember?

[tinkerbe]

my grand father had a sister that died when he was about 4or 5 .

He never mention her to my mum. who had a bit of a shock when clearing out his stuff and and found a locket with her picture in. She was the image of my little sister. He never said a word and lived with us when we were young till died.