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Family members I don't know think I'm a "hoax".

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  • Family members I don't know think I'm a "hoax".

    I am very upset because suddenly I have been rejected by family members in the U.S. whom I don't know personally but have contacted via letters and emails. Their reason, due to certain inconsistencies they believe that I am a "hoax". I have been advised that I need to contact family members in order to find more information which can't be found in records. But so far, out of 25 letters, there's only been three responses. To make matters worse nobody picks up the telephone. Does someone have a suggestion?

  • #2
    you could put the names on here providing they are deceased, and see if anybody can help.
    I personally would never ring, I write with a few details ,and give my phone number ,I enclose a stamped addressed envelope and ask them to return it ,so I know they received it.
    Some ring me ,some write ,some dont bother so I leave it.
    A lot of people ,especially the elderly are suspicious of phone calls, good job too.

    Comment


    • #3
      Please don't feel rejected Daniel (try disappointed instead) as not everyone is interested in family history, and others are suspicious as we hear so much these days about fraud and identity theft. Sometimes you have to play the long game, a query on a website can often get a reply several years later when some more distant family member googles a name and up pops that name on a forum such as this, it has happened here often. (Though on this forum, as you know we have a rule against naming living people).

      Comment


      • #4
        A recent experience may also help Daniel. Some months ago my sister died. I know from her letters and conversations that she was in contact with a 2nd cousin in UK, but after my informing him of her passing there has been no acknowledgement to my letter. I remain Everly hopeful that there will be, but with the passing months I fear that there won’t.

        Don’t give up.
        Whoever said Seek and Ye shall find was not a genealogist.

        David

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Val wish Id never started View Post
          you could put the names on here providing they are deceased, and see if anybody can help.
          I personally would never ring, I write with a few details ,and give my phone number ,I enclose a stamped addressed envelope and ask them to return it ,so I know they received it.
          Some ring me ,some write ,some dont bother so I leave it.
          A lot of people ,especially the elderly are suspicious of phone calls, good job too.
          I like your idea about the self-addressed envelope. I usually haven't been calling people for the very reason that you state. However, when there is no response from letters or email I have sometimes resorted to doing that. Usually people don't seem to answer their phones at all in the U.S. it seems. The line is either not in service or busy. In the letters I have included my address, email and telephone number. I live in the Netherlands so I wouldn't expect anyone to call me from the U.S.

          Comment


          • #6
            Thank you for the encouragement Jill. The person who rejected me has shared many emails with me. We planned to meet next summer when I will be in the States. Then all the sudden I get the shock of my life. She says she has talked to other people who have gotten letters from me and they think that I am a "hoax". Therefore she is "deleting" me from her emails.
            Last edited by Daniel; 09-12-17, 08:49. Reason: I should have quoted so that it was evident which message I am replying to.

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            • #7
              I am sorry about your sister's death Grumpy. I haven't given up. I am in contact with another family member in the U.S. who has known me since I was a child. He will write a letter to these people verifying my identity. Hopefully that might help. I can't figure out any other way to convince them.
              Last edited by Daniel; 09-12-17, 08:50. Reason: I should have quoted here too.

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              • #8
                Don't give up, Daniel!

                I sent letters to a relation I found on a shipping list coming from India to the UK.....I waited and waited .....then I got a letter in the SAE I had sent months previously and It was my relation. She explained how nervous she became upon receiving my letter but then felt she had to reply. We are in contact now and write regularly to each other
                Jacky

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                • #9
                  In general it has been like pulling teeth trying to contact living relatives. You can only get to about the year 2000 if you are lucky using available records. I have resorted to using something called "TruePeopleSearch" which lists current addresses,emails, and telephone numbers in the U.S. Sometimes this information turns out to be incorrect. I know this because some of the letters have been returned undelivered. I hate bothering people but am also very hungry for historical family information. I guess that's why I am so upset about this. It makes me feel a little bit guilty as if I were doing something I shouldn't be.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Daniel View Post
                    Thank you for the encouragement Jill. The person who rejected me has shared many emails with me. We planned to meet next summer when I will be in the States. Then all the sudden I get the shock of my life. She says she has talked to other people who have gotten letters from me and they think that I am a "hoax". Therefore she is "deleting" me from her emails.
                    That's sad Daniel, I hadn't realised that it was someone who you had such promising contact with.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      People (myself included) can get very nervous about meeting someone they have not met face to face before. Perhaps she just chickened out and needed the 'excuse' of other peoples' opinions. Mught be worth trying a conciliatory letter by post if she deleted your email.
                      Anne

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                      • #12
                        How about sending a Christmas card, if you haven't already of course, and she may just soften a little.

                        merleyone

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                        • #13
                          Problem is, if you are not into family history then you cannot understand why anyone else is. To her friends and relatives it sounds suspicious that someone she only "knows" on the internet is planning to fly half way round the world to meet a distant relative and they are wondering what your real agenda is.

                          Try a letter saying that you are still planning to visit the US and would like to meet up with her in a public place she is comfortable with, and you hope she will bring a friend or relative with her. If she doesn't respond, them I'm afraid you must leave it there, otherwise your behaviour becomes suspicious.

                          I am assuming that you have given this lady proof of your relationship to her.

                          OC

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                          • #14
                            Often people are happier to reveal information about deceased ancestors and shared relatives than they are about themselves or other living relatives. I think this is partly a result of the digital age - we're constantly being warned about phone, e-mail and internet scams and the need to keep personal information private.
                            I'm sorry to hear of your rebuttals, which must be very disappointing for you. Could these possible relatives be thinking that you are seeking information on them and their lives rather than on deceased relatives you have in common? Could they be anxious that you are wanting to delve into a family "mystery," which they would prefer to keep hidden? Sometimes wording alone can unintentionally foster apprehension or suspicion in the recipient - "I am trying to trace ...... " could cause panic: why? who are they? is this about ... ? Is this xxxx incident from the past catching up with me?

                            The idea of sending a SAE is always a good one. Can you still get international postage "stamps?"

                            When writing to potential relatives, who may not be interested in genealogy, I've always found it best to be very clear at the beginning of the letter that I am doing family history and try to keep it general and non-specific, non-threatening e.g I am researching the "Smith" family who originated in "Winchester" England, and to then set the scene; e.g "Whilst my gt-gt granddad lived out his life in that area, his younger brother John sailed off to New York in 1895 and set up in business as a barber. We know he married Mary and had several children. (I keep it very general.) We would love to find out more about the lives of John, Mary and their children, a missing part of our family tree. I came across your name and address on the xxxxx website/ saw your tree on Ancestry and am wondering if you may be descended from this John and Mary? If so, I'd love to exchange information with you." I then explain about the envelope (to send it back empty but sealed if they wish, so that you know contact was made and will not trouble them further.)

                            Jay
                            Janet in Yorkshire



                            Genealogists never die - they just swap places in the family tree

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              ETA - wise words from OC. I would reinforce the meeting in public suggestion. I always do this when meeting a family history contact for the first time and choose a venue in what I consider to be a mutually convenient location. We meet initially for a coffee or snack and take it from there. Meeting on neutral ground for a short period makes it easy for either party to look at their watch, say they have an appointment and leave at any time should they so wish.
                              I've always gelled with all my contacts and we keep in touch intermittently, but the meeting in a public place protects the safety and a certain anonymity of both parties.

                              Jay
                              Janet in Yorkshire



                              Genealogists never die - they just swap places in the family tree

                              Comment


                              • #16
                                As someone who lives in Canada, and has spent time in the US ............. people can now be extremely wary of email contacts and suggested meet-ups.

                                Your relative has probably talked not only to other relatives but to neighbours and friends, and they have mentioned knowing of various scams or hoaxes aimed at getting money or "romance" involving emails or phone calls from people claiming to be a nephew / grandson / relation. They might even have convinced her that you have "romance" in your mind ............ and then will run off with her money. That does indeed happen!

                                A phone call could, I am afraid, only reinforce this scam / hoax possibility in her and in her friends, especially if they are older.

                                A Christmas card is a good idea, possibly including a short note saying that you are sorry that she doubts your existence but I truly am the son of xxxx (ie,reinforcing your relationship to her). Add that you are still going to the US because (reason for your trip), and would appreciate meeting with her in a public place and with a friend (as suggested by OC).
                                My grandmother, on the beach, South Bay, Scarborough, undated photo (poss. 1929 or 1930)

                                Researching Cadd, Schofield, Cottrell in Lancashire, Buckinghamshire; Taylor, Park in Westmorland; Hayhurst in Yorkshire, Westmorland, Lancashire; Hughes, Roberts in Wales.

                                Comment


                                • #17
                                  I'm not clear on your goals when you connect with your cousins? To share information you have about common ancestors? or to populate your tree with all the descendants of those ancestors, including living persons?

                                  I'm usually very resistant to sharing information about living persons.

                                  Can you start a private tree, say on Ancestry, and invite cousins to it?

                                  Comment


                                  • #18
                                    Originally posted by Jill on the A272 View Post
                                    That's sad Daniel, I hadn't realised that it was someone who you had such promising contact with.
                                    I have been formulating a brazen plan and wonder what you think of it. Upon arrival in the U.S., I would like to visit the local police and have them draw up a document proving my identity. I will bring all my important documents with me. In addition they should have access to my finger prints somehow. It should not be a problem if they are willing to do this. Then I can show this document to anyone who needs to see it. What do you think about that?

                                    Comment


                                    • #19
                                      Originally posted by PhotoFamily View Post
                                      I'm not clear on your goals when you connect with your cousins? To share information you have about common ancestors? or to populate your tree with all the descendants of those ancestors, including living persons?

                                      I'm usually very resistant to sharing information about living persons.

                                      Can you start a private tree, say on Ancestry, and invite cousins to it?
                                      My original goal was to find out more about my gggrandfather and mother. However, I have long since depleted all available documentary information so the only available path seems to be through living relatives. I have three large trees on Ancestry and have given these people access to the main one. Originally these people didn't seem to mind my probes so I am really surprised by the sudden change. Probably I shouldn't have been so aggressive in my approach. I like the idea of the Christmas card and suggesting a meeting in a public place.

                                      Comment


                                      • #20
                                        My thoughts are that this plan would only further seriously escalate your problem rather than resolve it. It would have no relevance in proving your genealogical links to the people in the US, and if it were me, such a measure would only add to my suspicions about your intentions.

                                        As several of us have intimated upthread, are you wanting to find out about deceased shared ancestry or is your interest in living persons who you believe have a place on your family tree? (I personally wouldn't give out to an unknown third party any details of living persons and, from a family tree perspective, I'm not particularly interested in them anyway!) Have you made your research purpose clear to the folks in the US?

                                        I think you may have got yourself into a bit of an impasse and are going to have to tread very carefully to restore confidence and trust. Sadly, at the end of the day, if they're not interested in family history and don't want to talk about it, there's not much you can do. Have you tried to work out what went wrong to upset your contact?

                                        Jay
                                        Last edited by Janet in Yorkshire; 10-12-17, 09:12.
                                        Janet in Yorkshire



                                        Genealogists never die - they just swap places in the family tree

                                        Comment

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